When life throws you lemons...

Make lemonade? No thanks. I'd rather have chocolate, in large quantities.

I've thought a lot about whether or not I'd write about this. I wasn't sure what people would think and I didn't want to write it for sympathy. Please know that this is not a sympathy plea, I appreciate prayers for sure, but I mostly write this so that maybe someone else can feel supported, or understood. *the following information may be graphic, reader discretion is advised :)

Last week was awful. Not going to lie, it was the worst week of my life and I'm glad it's over. Even though it was the worst week ever I feel so blessed and thankful. It could have been a lot worse. On Saturday, the 13th, I ended up in surgery for an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. By the time we got to Saturday I was just thankful for an answer. Throughout the week I went from being told I was pregnant (we weren't planning that by the way, it was a surprise for us) to being told I had a miscarriage, to possibly not and could still be pregnant, to an ectopic pregnancy, back to possibly being a healthy pregnancy and back to it being an ectopic pregnancy. At the time of each of those announcements I went through all of the emotions of each of them. We weren't planning on getting pregnant for another year, but I was thrilled to hear that I could be pregnant.

I never understood the emotions involved in an early miscarriage. There were times in my head were times where I'd think, how is it possible to get so emotionally attached to something I didn't even know that was inside of me? I now understand, very well, that while your mind might not be aware your body is 100% fully engaged and aware of the life that is trying to develop inside of you. When I was then told it was an ectopic pregnancy I was devestated. I didn't understand the true danger in an ectopic pregnancy for the mother - and I didn't know that pretty much 100% of the pregnancies ever develop to the point of having a heart beat. I was so scared that I was going to harm a possibly healthy baby. My OBGYN was so gracious in explaining everything to me. It really is life threatening for the mother. Because the pregnancy is in the fallopian tube it can burst leading to massive loss of blood suddenly.
She then told me that my pregnancy hormone had doubled meaning that it could still be a healthy pregnancy in utero and sent me home with strong cautions to come back immediately if I felt any pain whatsoever.

I went back in on friday for more blood work and ultrasounds. Unfortunately, my pregnancy hormone had not doubled again meaning that wherever the pregnancy was, it was not developing normally. The ultrasound showed that my uterus was empty. I had no pain but because they were sure now that it was an ectopic pregnancy they suggested surgery as soon as possible. On Saturday, before the surgery I asked them to test my pregnancy hormone one last time. I wanted one of two things. One, maybe, just maybe it had been sent to the right location miraculously, or two, that I would go into surgery knowing that I was the only one living in my own body. In hoping for the latter I was by no means giving up hope that my God was able to do a miracle. I know full well that God is capable. I felt peace though that He knows ALL things and if it was an ectopic pregnancy that He cares enough about me to let me know that I wasn't harming a growing embryo. The level dropped significantly. He already had that little life in His hands caring for it. Now it was time to care for my body.

After the surgery my doctor came in and said he was shocked that I hadn't been in pain during the week. I ended up losing my right fallopian tube because of the size of the mass. I know that God was gracious to me in the week. He kept me safe. He kept me from experiencing a lot of pain. But he also led me to go to the doctors office early. I am not a person that heads into the doctor for myself quickly. But something earlier in the week just felt off to me in my body. I felt hormonally weird and just thought I'd go tell the doctor about it. Had I not done that, I could have lost a lot more than a fallopian tube. I could have lost my life.

My right ovary is singing the blues today...feeling a little lonely over there...but the good news is that I can still get pregnant in the future. A dear friend reminded me yesterday of the scripture that says 'He makes all things new'...God can even give me a new tube if he wants to. I'll take it!
I am sad that it didn't turn out in the end to be a normal pregnancy. Today I feel fine emotionally, and I know that in the next few weeks I may have some more emotions to work through. I will validate all of those feelings and work through them as they come. Me writing this out today is a part of helping me look back and see God's gentle and kind hand in all of this.

On Wednesday, when I was initially told it was ectopic, I was crying and crying in the front seat as we were dropping our kids off before returning to the hospital. I was crying quietly though because we had our two Korean students in the back seat and they didn't know what was going on yet. All of a sudden, Linden started to sing.

"I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And any time I don't know what I should do, I will cast all my cares upon you."

God has such a sweet way of reminding us that he cares for us and in difficult times we may have trouble remembering that He is there, but He doesn't forget, nor does He disappear. Hearing my little angel sing that song gave me such a peace. He was verbalizing the message that God was passing along. Cast your cares upon Me. When you don't know what to do, come talk to me.

I am so thankful for friends and family. People here have been so helpful - sending meals and caring for our kids. The body of Christ is such a gift. I am so thankful for Mike, my husband. He is my best friend and there is no one else I would have rather had beside me through this. (No offense all you others :)

Our dishwasher broke yesterday. ha. I don't mind though because I'm not allowed to be doing anything so I don't have to hand wash the dishes...hee hee...sorry Mike. MAYBE I guess I could sit on a chair and help dry them...but only MAYBE. [yawn]...actually, I'm feeling kind of tired... :)

To all of you women out there...especially moms who are caring for lots of people all at the same time. Make sure you care for yourself. Don't ignore signs that your body could be trying to tell you something's up. Don't pass up help when it's offered. And in all of it, bring your burdens to God. He lost a Son once too. He can relate.

Taking nothing for granted,
Laura