Fractal chaos.

It's been a while since I blogged last. To be honest, the last month has been pretty hard and so I didn't feel like I had much to offer in terms of enjoyable reading. I am SO glad that Mike and I had a week away in Mexico last month. Last month seems like a year ago already though...the only thing left to remind us of our relaxing trip is Mike's tan. Yes, Mike's tan. Not mine. Mine is long gone. Ok, there are also pleasant memories of sleep, rest, and food. I cling on to memories of rest and sleep....ahhhhh, sleeeeeeeep.

After surgery (see previous post for info) I had the opportunity to head to Langley to be with my family for a few days of rest. The day that we left for Langley my baby Jackson got sick with croup. He wasn't too sick so we decided to keep travelling. Linden has gotten into car sickness. So while driving to the ferry in Nanaimo he covered my mother-in-law's van with grossness. Pulling over to clean him up in the freezing cold was great frozen fun. He was thrilled as my MIL and I gagged our way through cleaning him and the van up. Jackson was also thrilled for the momentary stall in our trip. Bonnie and I may as well have joined in the crying, we could have harmonized our cries and made a screaming quartet. Back on the road Linden was so offended by throwing up the first time he was determined not to let another drop out of his body; the poor kid held his hands over his mouth the rest of the way, refusing a repeat episode. What a tough kid!

The first few days of our trip were pretty good, Jackson started to get better and had more energy. It was hard to not be able to hold him while he was sick because of my surgery... the day before we were going to head back home Jackson took a turn for the worst and I ended up in emergency through the night with him. Poor kid couldn't breathe. That was a tough night. But I was so glad my mom (thanks mom:) told me to take him in because they were able to give him medication and put him on a ventilator and as soon as he woke up the next morning he was doing heaps better. We stayed one extra day and enjoyed one extra day of fun with our families. What a gift family is. I love my family. Both sides. Everyone. They are pretty awesome.

We're back home now and life is starting to get back to normal. I still have remnants of surgery that remind me ever so often to take it a bit easier, but my energy is returning and I feel motivated by this beautiful weather to get into spring cleaning mode. I'm starting to wonder what 'normal' means. I think that for me 'normal' is chaos right now. Being a young mom with two tots and two teens (Korean students) is quite literally the definition of chaos. Perhaps the chaos would seem a bit more like fractal chaos if I could manage our time a bit better.

What is fractal chaos? Well, it looks like a crazy, messy life of business, but when looked at closer it is actually a very carefully designed pattern of routine and planning. Fractal chaos. Google fractals, they're facinating. I'm not sure if my definition would make it into the dictionary, but I have only altered it to suit my current dreams of time management. Fractal chaos sounds exciting. It seems energizing. It's fast paced, but it's with a purpose. It fits everything in without allowing too much in. There's room for rest and relaxing and room for getting messy and creative. There's room for playing and learning and even cleaning. Everything flows together seamlessly and it just works. Doesn't it sound glorious?

I have no idea how to get there but I know that I will. I will reach fractal chaos. I will. I'm excited. I'm motivated.

Jackson dumped my coffee all over himself this morning. It was sad. He wasn't sad. It wasn't hot coffee, so he was unharmed. He happily slopped up my carpeted stairs as I tried frantically to wipe up the mess on the laminate flooring. My heart was harmed. I was still thoroughly enjoying that cup of mostly warm coffee. We were in process of heading out the door to drop our students off at school. Chaos. Oh well, I forgive his curiosity and I also forgive my non-sensical thinking in leaving my (large) cup of coffee within arms reach of an almost one year old.

Right now my 'normal' is chaos. It does not make a lot of sense all the time and seems totally out of control, there aren't many moments of quiet and when there are someone usually breaks it with a timely passing of gas. That's what I get for being the only female in a house with five of the male species. All of that to say, that while I do long one day for formulated business and order, my life is fun in all this chaos. I mentioned the frustration in losing my coffee this morning, but I didn't mention the delighted look on Jackson's face that made it all so worth it. And when that silence is rudely broken, there is always laughter - I may not always be a part of the laughter, but at least it brings laughter to the rest of the household.

[sigh].....I'm signing off now with a hot cup of coffee in my hand and a happy heart.

Everyone's normal is different. I hope that today you can find joy in your 'normal' and if your normal needs to change I hope you can embrace a new normal with gladness.

Peace to you.
Laura

When life throws you lemons...

Make lemonade? No thanks. I'd rather have chocolate, in large quantities.

I've thought a lot about whether or not I'd write about this. I wasn't sure what people would think and I didn't want to write it for sympathy. Please know that this is not a sympathy plea, I appreciate prayers for sure, but I mostly write this so that maybe someone else can feel supported, or understood. *the following information may be graphic, reader discretion is advised :)

Last week was awful. Not going to lie, it was the worst week of my life and I'm glad it's over. Even though it was the worst week ever I feel so blessed and thankful. It could have been a lot worse. On Saturday, the 13th, I ended up in surgery for an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. By the time we got to Saturday I was just thankful for an answer. Throughout the week I went from being told I was pregnant (we weren't planning that by the way, it was a surprise for us) to being told I had a miscarriage, to possibly not and could still be pregnant, to an ectopic pregnancy, back to possibly being a healthy pregnancy and back to it being an ectopic pregnancy. At the time of each of those announcements I went through all of the emotions of each of them. We weren't planning on getting pregnant for another year, but I was thrilled to hear that I could be pregnant.

I never understood the emotions involved in an early miscarriage. There were times in my head were times where I'd think, how is it possible to get so emotionally attached to something I didn't even know that was inside of me? I now understand, very well, that while your mind might not be aware your body is 100% fully engaged and aware of the life that is trying to develop inside of you. When I was then told it was an ectopic pregnancy I was devestated. I didn't understand the true danger in an ectopic pregnancy for the mother - and I didn't know that pretty much 100% of the pregnancies ever develop to the point of having a heart beat. I was so scared that I was going to harm a possibly healthy baby. My OBGYN was so gracious in explaining everything to me. It really is life threatening for the mother. Because the pregnancy is in the fallopian tube it can burst leading to massive loss of blood suddenly.
She then told me that my pregnancy hormone had doubled meaning that it could still be a healthy pregnancy in utero and sent me home with strong cautions to come back immediately if I felt any pain whatsoever.

I went back in on friday for more blood work and ultrasounds. Unfortunately, my pregnancy hormone had not doubled again meaning that wherever the pregnancy was, it was not developing normally. The ultrasound showed that my uterus was empty. I had no pain but because they were sure now that it was an ectopic pregnancy they suggested surgery as soon as possible. On Saturday, before the surgery I asked them to test my pregnancy hormone one last time. I wanted one of two things. One, maybe, just maybe it had been sent to the right location miraculously, or two, that I would go into surgery knowing that I was the only one living in my own body. In hoping for the latter I was by no means giving up hope that my God was able to do a miracle. I know full well that God is capable. I felt peace though that He knows ALL things and if it was an ectopic pregnancy that He cares enough about me to let me know that I wasn't harming a growing embryo. The level dropped significantly. He already had that little life in His hands caring for it. Now it was time to care for my body.

After the surgery my doctor came in and said he was shocked that I hadn't been in pain during the week. I ended up losing my right fallopian tube because of the size of the mass. I know that God was gracious to me in the week. He kept me safe. He kept me from experiencing a lot of pain. But he also led me to go to the doctors office early. I am not a person that heads into the doctor for myself quickly. But something earlier in the week just felt off to me in my body. I felt hormonally weird and just thought I'd go tell the doctor about it. Had I not done that, I could have lost a lot more than a fallopian tube. I could have lost my life.

My right ovary is singing the blues today...feeling a little lonely over there...but the good news is that I can still get pregnant in the future. A dear friend reminded me yesterday of the scripture that says 'He makes all things new'...God can even give me a new tube if he wants to. I'll take it!
I am sad that it didn't turn out in the end to be a normal pregnancy. Today I feel fine emotionally, and I know that in the next few weeks I may have some more emotions to work through. I will validate all of those feelings and work through them as they come. Me writing this out today is a part of helping me look back and see God's gentle and kind hand in all of this.

On Wednesday, when I was initially told it was ectopic, I was crying and crying in the front seat as we were dropping our kids off before returning to the hospital. I was crying quietly though because we had our two Korean students in the back seat and they didn't know what was going on yet. All of a sudden, Linden started to sing.

"I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And any time I don't know what I should do, I will cast all my cares upon you."

God has such a sweet way of reminding us that he cares for us and in difficult times we may have trouble remembering that He is there, but He doesn't forget, nor does He disappear. Hearing my little angel sing that song gave me such a peace. He was verbalizing the message that God was passing along. Cast your cares upon Me. When you don't know what to do, come talk to me.

I am so thankful for friends and family. People here have been so helpful - sending meals and caring for our kids. The body of Christ is such a gift. I am so thankful for Mike, my husband. He is my best friend and there is no one else I would have rather had beside me through this. (No offense all you others :)

Our dishwasher broke yesterday. ha. I don't mind though because I'm not allowed to be doing anything so I don't have to hand wash the dishes...hee hee...sorry Mike. MAYBE I guess I could sit on a chair and help dry them...but only MAYBE. [yawn]...actually, I'm feeling kind of tired... :)

To all of you women out there...especially moms who are caring for lots of people all at the same time. Make sure you care for yourself. Don't ignore signs that your body could be trying to tell you something's up. Don't pass up help when it's offered. And in all of it, bring your burdens to God. He lost a Son once too. He can relate.

Taking nothing for granted,
Laura

Danish Immersion Camp!

Linden is so funny. He is ALWAYS listening. To those of you who have almost 2 year olds...they will always be listening. At 2 years old, Linden walked into the TV room and said, "TVtropolis". Only a short time after that we may or may not have been watching Seinfeld and he came in and shouted, "George!!" I couldn't believe it. Whenever we watch tv that isn't a cartoon, Linden usually isn't paying attention, he's off in the corner playing with toys or something. But I guess he's still got his ears on.

Lately a famous line of his is, said after we ask him to do something, "sorry, mom, I just am playing with my toys." Just yesterday Mike asked me to help him with something, oh ya......it was changing a poopy diaper.....ha.....and I said, "sorry, I just have to go to the bathroom first." huh. Guess I know where he's picking up his lines from. It's a lot more cute coming from a child.

The last, and quite possibly the best one liner of Linden's...he walked into the living room a couple of days ago with a very serious face and looked right at me and said with a very serious voice, "DANISH IMMERSION CAMP." Said with such authority and passion I thought my son had been turned into an officer of less desirable sorts. Danish Immersion Camp? that just sounds scary to me. But don't worry, he didn't say danish concentration camp. It's an immersion camp. I guess if you have to learn a language it'd be fun to do it camp style. I have to credit Veggie Tales for this one. I'm pretty sure that's where it came from, cause that's where he's been saying a bunch of other lines from lately. I love it. I love that a 2 year old can think it's fun to learn how to say something and then just say it with no worries in the world.

Ok, one more. Linden has quite a few bruises on his legs right now from running in the house and bashing into things. I guess his legs resemble that of any normal boy child. Anyways, he pointed to the one on his knee and said, "this one's my beach." Only 'beach' didn't sound like beach, it sounded like the term we use for female dogs. Thankfully I didn't laugh like I normally would have...cause I was so confused. I couldn't even figure out what he was trying to say. It kinda looked like a bridge I guess...maybe he was trying to say bridge? I don't know, but thankfully he was saying it unintentionally and to add to the cuteness, he could see that I was confused so he just kept saying it over and over until my facial expression changed. And just for the record, if he was indeed trying to tell me that this one was his 'insert bad word here'...I have NO idea where he picked that up from. Serious. None of that talk in my house. Ok, I'm not joking here people. You don't need to laugh because it may look like I'm writing sarcastically, but I'm not! :) Seriously.

I think I'll just move on now...

So, today, enjoy the things your kids say. Listen carefully. You may get a little golden nugget of joy and hilariousness when your child shouts out something like Danish Immersion Camp. So random. So good.

Enjoy your day, friends. Be blessed. Go play outside. It's still dark out for me right now, but I can feel it. It's going to be a nice day.

Mexico Part 2: SEA-HUMANS.

I like pools.

Pools are fun.

They are safe - providing you know how to swim - and there aren't any surprises in pools. I enjoy swimming in pools. Call me a geek, but one thing I love to do is tread water. Just tread. I don't need to go anywhere, I'm happy to stay in one spot for 45 minutes and just turn my legs round and round keeping my head above the water. You can't do that in the ocean. If you do that a shark might eat you. Or if you live where I do, a brown sea lion may give you a bite on your leg. Neither of those things would be enjoyable in the least.

The ocean in Mexico (on the Caribbean side) is lovely. Right by the second largest coral reef in the world you can spy on fish and all their little friends all day long if you'd like. Crystal clear water and large waves makes for a delightful day of wave jumping and water splashing. To those of us who call the pacific ocean our main body of water, even more precise the shores of White Rock Beach, you could definately call the waters of Mexico (once again, the Caribbean side) an upgrade. No sloppy wash up goop that wraps around your feet and tide pools that fester blobs of germs and grossness all day long.

I have always had a small fear of oceans. Actually, there were a few years in my childhood when I REALLY didn't like swimming in lakes either. Let me explain why I prefer not to swim in the sea. There are a few reasons.

Salt water. No matter how hard I try to avoid it I always manage to swallow a big gulp of it when a wave unexpectedly knocks me in the face. My first reason is rather minor though, I can get over the salt water thing.

Creatures. Do you know how many creatures and animals and fish live in the ocean? Neither do I. That is reason enough to have me nervous. There must be at least a million creatures and animals and fish in there. It's the really tiny ones and the really BIG ones that just creep me right out.

Undertows and sharp rocks. Put them together and what do you get? Ouch. There is no controlling the hugeness of ocean. We truly are foreigners there, it can change at any moment.

I did go in the ocean in Mexico, once.  I was a little bit reluctant because there was a sea urchin warning (no joke!). They're basically sea porcupines waiting for you to touch them so they can plant one of there sharp needles into your fragile flesh. But I had goggles, and borrowed - demanded more or less - Mike's crocs for my precious little feet. I watched my steps very carefully and thankfully, I was unharmed. There were also giant barriers keeping out large, dangerous fish and sea mammals.

I really don't understand the hype about being IN the ocean anyways. When God created the oceans he did not put humans in there. He created sea turtles, sea urchins, sea cucumbers even! But nope, he didn't create sea humans. I am not a sea human. I know of many sea humans and they seem to do just fine being in there. I am married to a sea human, so I guess that makes my children half-sea humans. I will not keep them from swimming in the ocean. I may even join then every so often....more like...maybe once.

I am not entirely against these great blue displays of power and awe. I do like skim boarding...and building sand castles beside the shore. I look forward to this summer with our kids. Oddly enough we live on a peninsula completely surrounded by the ocean. I LOVE where we live. I LOVE looking at the ocean. It reminds me of the greatness of our God. The creativity..incredible. I LOVE learning about and seeing all the creatures - weird animals that do amazing things like light up and dangle things over their heads to attract prey - I just prefer to see it on Planet Earth DVD's and not be swimming in the same water as them.

Some of the times that I enjoyed best on our trip was sitting under a grass roof hut watching all the little sea humans climb up on the barriers and wait for the waves to send them into a tumble. I had lovely laughs and thoroughly enjoyed watching them thoroughly enjoy themselves.

To all of you sea-humans out there, just be careful!

LAURA.
ps - My husband Mike is thinking about getting into diving. He wants to go diving with the giant six-gill sharks that come up from thousands of feet deep each year to mate near Hornby Island. Huh.